Make No Mistake

People often assume that because I’m a piano teacher, I play the piano.  Of course I play in the privacy of my studio.  I play in front of my students and their parents when needed, but I’m not a performer.  Not in a band.  Not on tour.  Not in a house.  Not with a mouse.

As a student, I was required to play in front of my peers and their families once a year for a spring recital.  Just saying “spring recital” gives me dry mouth.  My knees would shake, my heart would pound out of my chest and as well as I knew my song, I never knew if I’d get through it without starting in the wrong place, ending up in the wrong place, or just finishing it somewhere in the middle.  What would follow were tears, shame and the overall assessment that I am not a performer.

I’ve investigated this phenomenon with other teachers who have the same performance phobia and I’m thinking it comes down to being present, accepting mistakes and moving on.  In my traditional lessons as a child and young adult, I carried the burden of perfection.  I worked on accuracy and expression and could mimic others fairly well.  I remember playing Chopin’s Polonaise Militaire, Op. 40, No. 1 for a regional piano competition and as I left the concert hall, the room monitor approached me to say that I sounded just like a professional recording or even Chopin himself.  I couldn’t have been prouder.  I sounded just like somebody else.

No mistakes…  I felt like I had achieved something.  Perfection?  Was this perfection accompanied by the pure joy of experiencing my musicality? No.  Playing that piece stressed me out.  I was relieved when it was over and I was relieved to never have to play it again.

Since January of this year, I’ve taken up the guitar.  I have a fabulous teacher who teaches me to stay present with what I’m doing, when I’m doing it.  He teaches me chord patterns of familiar songs and we play and sing together.  It’s beyond fun.  And I make mistakes.  Lots of them.  My teacher instructs me to go slower or to change the way I’m holding my hand.  I take the instruction, make the adjustment and “ahhh” I get that sense of freedom again.  We play all of three or four chords together, over and over again and it’s a beautiful thing.  I feel myself getting better and I'm looking for opportunities to play with others.  No, I'm not joining a band, but I am enjoying playing songs with my piano students.  Baby steps to success.

This is a big shift for me.  And naturally, this shift affects my piano play/practice.  I’m learning to stay present and to allow myself to explore music in the moment.  And make no mistake, this freedom will translate into my students' freedom.  And that’s really the best reason for me to get comfortable with my vulnerabilities.