Building endurance in anything brings a mixture of
emotions: pride, boredom, exhilaration,
disappointment, joy and fatigue to name a few.
Whether it’s piano, hockey, painting, running, writing or surfing, we
will go through periods of great fun and great upset if we truly want to
improve our performance in any activity.
Who is standing in your corner? Is there a coach who both encourages you and
challenges your limits? Is there a
teacher or a parent who insists that if you just stick with it, it’ll get
easier or better or more enjoyable?
The role of the parent… It is so powerful and incredibly
intimidating. What a responsibility we
have to help our children be great.
I recently had a conversation with a teacher friend about a
woman whose daughter is taking swim lessons.
Each practice, the mom would watch and listen and after the session she
would offer her praise laced with bits of advice, “Your speed is really
improving, but maybe next time you could work on getting your arm to extend
further with each stroke.” This is the
most seductive form of “parenting”, isn’t it?
I praise my child, but then I can teach her something as well. She mentioned this story to me because we
both have children who are piano students.
And we are also both piano teachers who have particular expectations of
at home practice.
In her experience with her boys and their at home practice,
she can easily slip into the “teacher” mode of offering praise laced with
advice, “That was nice, but how about playing slower? More feeling?
A little less pedal?” There are a
number of seemingly super helpful suggestions.
I have the same challenge with my little Ava. Though she plays beautifully and loves her
class time, we struggle with her practice time.
It’s not fun most days. I find
myself vacillating between being the parent and being the teacher. My expectations as a teacher supersede my
enjoyment as the parent.
Back to the swim lesson story… What this mom realized was that her daughter
didn’t need praise or advice. She
could get that from her coach. What she
needed from her mom was appreciation.
Those words that hold the space for her daughter to be inspired to
greatness. Words like, “I just love watching
you swim. You’re like a graceful sea
creature.” She decided to simply be in
the moment with her child and observe her daughter’s swimming from a place of
appreciation and awe.
When my friend told me this part of the story, I thought
back to my childhood and the number of years I gave to piano lessons and
practice. I don’t ever remember wanting
to quit. Ever. No, I didn’t always enjoy the daily practice
and truthfully, as I got into my teens, I didn’t have a lot of time to
practice. But did I love to play the piano? Yes. I
loved to play for people. I especially
loved to play for my dad. The only
instrument he played was the harmonica (he was self-taught) so for him,
watching and listening to me play the piano was incredible.
He showered me with his appreciation and awe. When he would record me playing so he could
later listen to the cassette tape in his car on the way to work, I felt appreciated. When we had friends over for dinner and he
would request that I play something for everyone, I felt appreciated. I felt like I had something to offer someone
else. It made him happy. So it made me happy. And it inspired me to want to get better at
playing. He never offered advice or
criticism, just pure appreciation.
This is what I will be encouraging my parents to do more
of. And I’ll be taking my own advice on
this as well! It doesn’t matter what the
activity is just show your appreciation and awe. Leave the instruction and advice to the
teachers and coaches. They have the
ability to develop the skills your child needs
to improve, but you have the power to inspire your child to want to improve.
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